Why Everything Little Thing You Say Pisses Me Off

Let's peek at two couples in their respective homes one evening.

In the first scenario, one person says to the other, "Do you want to order takeout?" And with a roll of the eyes, the partner responds, "Well, you just love to keep spending money, don't you?"

In the second couple, the partner responds to the same question: "Honey, I would love to, but are you sure we have the money to order again?" This couple continues to enjoy the evening while the first one either shuts down or spirals into escalating conflict.

What's the difference? It's all about what's in the bank account, and I don't mean financially. John Gottman, Ph.D., a well-known researcher in marriage and family therapy, theorizes that there is an emotional bank account where each positive and negative interaction is tallied. When there are significantly more positive deposits, there is what he calls "positive sentiment override," which allows couples to give one another more leeway and causes them to be less reactive. "Negative sentiment override" leads to a short fuse, more defensiveness, and a constant chip on the shoulder, resulting in more arguments and failed repair attempts.

It's tough to break out of negative sentiment override, and often, couples arrive in my office this way. So, one of the goals of our work together is to build more positive feelings. Much of this happens through small things every day. A kind look, a warm touch, a thoughtful gesture—check, check, check.

If you're looking for some homework, here are some ideas for some positive deposits:

Backrubs

Active listening

Date night

Cooking or making lunch for your partner

Folding your partner's laundry

What makes your partner happy?