I Just Don’t Feel Like Working on my Relationship

"You have to work on your relationship!" Maybe it was written on one of those little advice cards at your wedding, or perhaps it was part of a cautionary tale from a friend whose relationship was crumbling, but I would be willing to bet that you've heard this phrase and most likely more than once. But what does it even mean? And why does it sound so dreadful?

During a recent yoga class, my teacher brought up the negative connotations of the word "work." Work is something we must do to survive; it involves sacrifice and often is a subject we endlessly lament over. This got me thinking about the aforementioned relationship work. Yuck, after a long day at the office, I now have to come home and work on my relationship?

Then I started to wonder. I have witnessed couples personally and in the therapy room successfully navigate their relationship with what seemed like very little sweat and agony. The most successful partnerships I have seen are those where the individuals paid attention to their relationship and contributed to it thoughtfully and openly. So, what if we stopped thinking of it as work and started seeing it as attention? When I rephrase it like this to couples in therapy, they often become more open and less resistant to tending to their partnership.

Our attention is in demand outside our relationship in many situations—children, work, financial stress. Maybe it is time and a lack of effort that we haven't even noticed. "We grew apart" often means we stopped paying attention to our relationship. For a plant to grow, it can't be left in a dark corner alone. At the very least, it needs some water and sunshine to thrive. Perhaps that means talking more, listening more, or spending more time together. How do you feed your relationship? In what type of light do you cast it?